Find your magic

Watching the secret made me understand something I had never really thought about I am the energy and the energy is me everything I had convinced myself had been heard by the universe and it was sending it back to me tenfold. I said I deserve a shitty life thats what it gave me I said I deserve to feel bad and I did. But sitting there listening I started to ask myself why? Why do I deserve bad things. I beautiful inside and out and I deserve to be happy in fact I will be happy. After the show finished the guy I liked came and we talked for a while. The next day I glowed as I walked down the street everything seemed to shine when I looked it. The world is beautiful! I mean really the WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL. I got to work and the day was slow so I entered facebook to have a look and check out what my friends were up to. I am not really a facebook kind of person but I just had a feeling. I opened my inbox and found a message from a school friend a guy I had not talked to in more than 15 years. He told me my sister missed me. I haven't seen my sister in 7 years I don't know where she lives or anything about her. I held my breath unable to believe what one day of hope and happiness could do to change my life. I didn't understand how strong the power of my positive energy really was. The world is listening the universe is listening. She has a beautiful little girl now, she is ten months old. I am an aunt and I can't believe myself or my life its fantastic and beautiful. Please if anyone is reading this believe in the power of your positive energy and I will tell you why on sunday.

A month ago my life fell apart. I broke up with my finance, my best friend passed away and family life, well lets just say its never really been that good. I had been diagnosed with a serious illness in Febuary of this year and I was wondering through life as if nothing even mattered. I didn't think about myself and I wasn't thinking about other people either. At the time I didn't know it but I was a force of negative energy so strong that I could barely even breath or wake up in the mornings to go to work.

Then last week I was in the kitchen doing my usual morning routine, just making my coffee, and as I went to take the first sip, I dropped the mug on the floor. I stood for a second and then I started to cry. I was sure I wasn't crying about the mug because I have dropped a mug before and it never provoked that kind of response from me. Once I started crying I just couldn't stop, it was like water was flooding from my eyes uncontrollably and I had no idea why. Thoughts kept racing through my head and I didn't know what I was doing, swirling and spinning ideas, expectations my wholde life swimming into itself and me there drowning in the middle.

I stayed for hours crying I don't know quite how long and then I decided to go out I walked for hours going from place to place not knowing where I was going or even where I was. At the time I didn't understand that this was an expression of me wandering the streets aimlessly was the expression of my lost soul wandering aimlessly too. I spent to days in a daze of tears crying and freaking out my friends, I went psycho on the people I should have taken care of the most and thats what I really regret. Until, finally after two days of crying and friends calling confused as to what the hell I was doing or what was even going on. I took a razor blade and started to cut my wrist. Once, twice and then over and over again until finally I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing anymore and the blade took on a life of its own.

Through it all I was crying, and then I laughed and I couldn't stop laughing and then suddenly I went silent and everything blurred for a split second and I stopped dropped the razor blade and smiled. I took iodine from the draw in my bedroom and cleaned the cuts, I dressed the woulds and bandaged my hand, I would tell everyone I sprained my wrist and eventually the scars would fade and noone would ever know.

Worried my friends who were having their own problems, called a friend of mine and asked him to pass by me. He came and we went out to a bar. He was depressed too. I guess it must be the season or something. We talked drawing each other deep down into a darkness that neither of us wanted to be in but that we didn't feel we could escape from, and then we went to on a pub crawl going from one bar or pub to the next. I don't remember how much I drank that night or how I even got home, but lets say I must have been pretty out of it because it was mostly a blank after the third bar we went to.

The next day my best friend called me and insisted on seeing me. She and her boyfriend, beautiful love birds I might add, had an intervention with me. They tried talking but my mind was closed and I din't want to listen and then they shouted and finally grudingly I agreed I would go and see a psychotherapist, even though in the back of my mind I swore I wouldn't give the doctor a chance.

The next day I felt really bad and as I got up to go to work waves of anger started to fill every corner of my life. Anger at myself, at others at the entire world for what I was convinced they had done to me where doing to me. I started to feel it was me not them and I kept asking angrily why do they get to be happy and not me there must be something wrong with me.

I had kind of been seeing a guy for a week or so at this point and my crazy had spilled in to that whole issue and I was sure I had scared him off. I mean there is crazy and then there is crazy and I guessed that my emotional break down wasn't really the kind of turn on a man wants when your starting out. Plus the fact that I was dead sure that he thought he was my rebound and that I was an emotional wreck. The second part was true the first part is not.

A few days had passed, the guy I like had travelled and I was trying to get my life in order. I wasn't really there but I was trying to get there and I started taking up old hobbies and re-exploring the things I had always loved to do. Then he called and told me he wanted to see me, he needed to sleep and he would call me. I wasn't holding out much hope but I thought why not no harm in trying. That night I finished work and met up with an old friend I am trying to reconnect with my old network. My ex was supposed to pass by to give me back my house key and a few other things that belonged to me. Me and my friend were sitting in a cafe when he walked in. I had hoped he would just give me my things and leave, but as luck had it that wasn't meant to be. Yet, lucks a funny thing because the more he stayed and the more he kept on trying to tell me how to live my life and what to do and the way to do it the stronger I felt. I had been a doormat for more than five years believing all the things he told me, always convinced it was my fault he had cheated on me or left me in the hospital when I got really sick.

That day I was tougher than I had ever been, really been that is. Not pretending as I used to but feeling the power of my own energy. I told him its my life and you don't have the right to be in it anymore, and as I said the words I realized yes, it is my life and I should take my life because I deserve to have a good life, because I am a good person, no I am a beautiful person and this not just a wish this is my right.

He wouldn't leave and I could sense my friend getting uncomfortable about the whole sitaution and I knew she wanted to go shopping for a dress because her friend was getting engaged the next day, so in the middle of his conversation which I wasn't really even listening to I asked her, shall we leave and go shopping? She said yes, I am sure relieved that the whole sitaution was over and as we got up to leave he asked me, can we be friends? So I paused, I wasn't angry, which is strange because I thought I would be and I said remember what you told me ( we can never be friends I am sorry go FUCK yourself) well think of that and then figure it out. What do you think that my response whould be?

We left and went shopping and I bought shoes and trousers and two tops and it felt great I mean amazing in that moment I couldn't stop smiling, because for the first time I started to open myself up to me. I went home and put the TV on and Oprah was on talking about the Secret and from that moment until this positive energy is following my life flowing it my life it surrounds me it fills me its is me and its beautiful and perfect and so is the world we live in, if you open your eyes and lets its magic in.

Tommorrow I will tell you more about the magic but just see how good it feels to smile and how beautiful it will make you feel and you start to feel the strength and pure honest and beauty that comes from inner peace